Humbling Question of the Day

Can you bind the beautiful pleiades?

Can you loose the cords of Orion?

Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons,

Or lead out the Bear with its cubs?

Do you know the laws of the heavens?

Can you set up God's dominion over the earth?

Job 38:31-33.

Nope.

Book Recommendation #2

Remember the first review-ish thingummy I wrote? It was on a tome written by Wodehouse (As in "rhymes with woodlouse.") I love Wodehouse.

We, all those desiring to be learned people, should probably be reading Euclid, or The Great Dialogues of Plato, or even The Red Pony. But I love Wodehouse.

Or I could be improving my mind on The Norton Anthology of English Literature, or the Oxford Book of Essays or Grun's Timetables of History. But I just love Wodehouse.

And I consider it my solemn duty to make you love Wodehouse too.

Something Fishy is about a bunch of multi-millionaires who create a tontine for their sons just before the 1929 crash. But it differs from usual tontines in that the money goes to whichever son marries last, not dies last.

Listen to this quote:

"Uncle George," she said, and musical though her voice was, Lord Uffenham did not like it. "Was it you who painted that moustache on Stanhope's statue?"

It was most fortunate that she should have worded her enquiry thus, for it enabled Lord Uffenham to deny the accusation with a clear conscience. What he had painted on Stanhope Twine's statue, it will be recalled, was a small imperial beard.

Does that not intrigue and rouse the excitement of your very soul? Doesn't it call you to race to the nearest library and clamor for the closest Wodehouse?

The negative aspects of this otherwise marvelous book is that there is some scarce language.

Go out and read it! However, you mustn't start it in the evening, but rather in the morning, for you shan't find yourself capable of putting it down.

Epitaphs:

Here are some great reminders to leave a legacy:

Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs
From a forty-four.
No Les
No More.

(I like this one! -Ophelia who can't abide dentistry)

Stranger tread
This ground with gravity.
Dentist Brown
Is filling his last cavity.
Edinburgh, Scotland

On a housewife:
Mary Weary, Housewife
Dere Friends I am going
Where washing ain't done
Or cooking or sewing:
Don't mourn for me now
Or weep for me never:
For I go to do nothing
Forever and ever!

Here lies the body
of John Round.
Lost at sea
and never found.

Sacred to the memory of
Major James Brush
Royal Artillery, who was killed
by the accidental discharge of
a pistol by his orderly,
14th April 1831.
Well done, good and faithful servant.

Sacred to the memory of
My husband
John Barnes
Who died January 3, 1803.
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.
In a Vermont cemetery
(She obviously looks forward to marrying again. Is that an advertisement, or a tombstone?)

Equine Paragons

Mine Equines:

(That's one awful representation of my darling!)

They are really the most lovely horses in the world, though the camera cannot capture them perfectly. All my fellow horsey people do know that horses are un-photogenic. Where's Mark J. Barret when you need him? (And by the way, he completely trumps Bob Langrish)

The orange pony is Maximus, (with the name "Gluteous" in front if I am particularly angered with him.) He is a darling. Annually, we roach his mane and forelock and he sports a spiky hairdo. And he is the world's best, most darling pony.

The blood bay is Chess, and he is a dreamboat. No more need be said.

P.S. I know all you other horsey persons are sitting there, rolling your eyes, and thinking that your babies are prettier, but they aren't. Don't take it too hard. =D

Relief!

Dear readers, I have decided you have suffered enough, and thus I have removed the Mozart playlist. I am thinking about some Bach, or perhaps some Prokofiev...

Or how about some Victor Borge?

Battle of the Armrest

After fastening our seat belts, swallowing several times, and watching the "Emergency Evacuation Procedures Demonstration" Bracie and I made this video on the flight to Colorado. I can only hope that we didn't irritate the passenger next to us too severely.

Dedicated to My Dear Mother and My Dear, Dancing, Sister

Because I am such a dutiful, marvealous, magnanimous (etc) daughter, I am uploading this video that my mother filmed for Ava, so that her classmates will be able to watch it.

Humbly,

Ophelia

In which I bravely face my faults:

Are you ready for Ophelia to do some nice, "deep" self analysis? Ha! She's going to anyway. *Ahem*
I have noticed somethings dreadful, irritating and rather-ah! I did it again! To be precise, they are words:

"However"
I am always finding the other side of my own thoughts! Perhaps this comes of being a second child. Maybe it is because my estimable mother would sometimes tell me, "No "ifs" "ands" or "buts." I have attempted to circumvent this very familiar phrase with the word "however," seeing as "No 'if's' 'and's' 'buts' or 'however's'" has a vastly less harmonious sound. Alas! I am was (am?) one of those naughty children full of excuses.
"Rather"
I'll bet that you can find this word in every other post, for I am rather fond of it. Regarding my frequent use of "rather" I conclude that I must be a rather half-way person because I only "rather" like this, or "rather" think that etc. etc. etc. At least I have the consolation of knowing that I share this trait with Kay Thompson's Eloise, whom everybody loves. She uses the word rather (or rather, "rawther") on every other page!

However, I rather very much like those words and I have no inclination to cease using them! So I have brainstormed the perfect solution: NEGATIVE WORDS! My stupendous invention cancels out all past uses of "however" and "rather" and now I start with a clean slate. =D

- however [READ "NEGATIVE HOWEVER"]
- rather
- however
- rather
- however
- rather
- however
- rather
- however
- rather
- however
- rather
- however
- rather
- however
- rather

Now, owing to my genius negative words, I can use "rather" and "however" as much as I like!
P.S."Insanely" is in its own category, for I consistently use that exalted word on purpose.

P.P.S. I labeled this post "apology" but I am second guessing that decision. I don't sound very apologetic do I?

Last Year

As you can see, I am rather scraping the bottom of the barrel for old writing assignments. I wrote this last September, seeing as it is important to preserve our completed work for future generations. However, somehow I doubt that future generations really want to know that I completed American History. Ah Well.

My Summer Schooling, 2008

As it is now September, (who knew time could rush by so quickly?) I take a moment to look at my summer’s scholastic achievements. From July to today, September 4, I have completed precisely 2.5 lessons of algebra, and I highly doubt this will impress my mother. Ah well, smell the roses eh? As for American History, the entire volume of which I was assigned to consume, I read from unit 4, starting with chapter 12, all down to unit 7. Aren’t you proud of me, Mom? (Never mind that Bracie is 4 units ahead…) Of science, I read 3 chapters. All other subjects I blatantly ignored, pretending that they didn’t exist.
However pitifully small that record of my textbook work may look, have no fear; I was not entirely idle; we did take some field trips! Let’s see, we um, went to the zoo; a wonderfully educational experience. More importantly, we drove down to Oregon to attend a fulfilling apologetics course. Also, for five days, Bracie, some dear friends and I helped out at a Vacation Bible School. This can, I’m sure, be manipulated into a school related accomplishment.
I believe that composes my scholastic achievements this summer.

Very truthfully,

Ophelia

Wisdom:

“Better to write for yourself

and have no public,

than to write for the public

and have no self.”Cyril Connolly

(Photo used without permission or authorization on the sole basis that the victim in the picture is holding a pen.)

-Ophelia, the ignoramus who doesn't actually know anything about Cyril Connolly except that he was a English writer.

Monday's Idiom

"Selling coals to Newcastle"

Meaning something that is entirely unnecessary, historically Newcastle being rich in coal.

However, Timothy Dexter, Author of A Pickle for the Knowing Ones or Plain Truth in a Homespun Dress(which contained some 8000 words and not a mark of punctuation in it. When it was ridiculed, he published another edition with the addition of a page bearing thirteen lines of random punctuation marks and the request that readers, " peper and solt it as they plese.")American Entrepreneur, and Lackwit Extraordinaire, defied this idiom when, using his newly valuable fortune in continental currency and relying on the advice of jealous friends, he bought a large amount of coal and sent it to Newcastle. Fantastically luckily, the shipments arrived in the middle of a Newcastle coal miners' strike.

Especially considering his almost nonexistent education, his business luck was incredible. Those same "friends" told him that there was a shortage of warming pans and mittens in the West Indies. The warming pans were then marketed by a resourceful Captain as molasses ladles and Dexter made a surprising profit. The mittens were sent to Siberia, also raking in unexpected profit. Other random items he exported are stray cats and whalebone.

So, what's the moral of the story? I think there are two:

#1. God really does use the foolish and the weak.

Once again, on the advice of his friends, (Does this guy ever learn? But ignorance seems to be working for him.) he sent a large shipment of Bibles to the East Indies, where they were sold and distributed.
#2. You can be successful without intelligence, but people will still laugh at you. Despite his success, Dexter was widely and deservedly ridiculed for his ignorance. (Ahem, see above example about his book, A Pickle for the Knowing Ones.)

Weird is the New Normal

Alrightly, having accustomed myself to the idea, I am now setting up a Weird is the New Normal contest.

Like nearly any contest, this contest has numerous and extensive abstruse rules. They are as follows:

Section I.

Chapter I.

Paragraph I.

Every picture must fit in the generally accepted guideline uh, um, "G."

Paragraph II.

The picture must bear the inscription, "Weird is the New Normal" (Surprise!)

Paragraph III

The deadline is June 17. Just because seventeen is my favorite number.

The End of the Rules.

The Pictures are to be sent to weirdisthenewnormal@gmail.com. (Another Surprise!)

Fan Club

My dear, hopefully forgiving readers, I know I have already posted this, but those of you who haven't commented on it, please do so now. You see, I have been awfully lazy and I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED this post. Do forgive me.
But it is coming soon. In fact, I shall go start it right... about... NOW.


YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO: The fourth Reluctant Dragon Fan Club meeting.

HOW: Simply comment below with a blogger name or nickname or something and list one "hidden talent" or completely random skill of yours, such as Champion Burger-Flipper, (You get the picture, right?)

WHY: So that I can write you into the next Reluctant Dragon Fan Club Meeting! That everyone who desire to "attend" will be satisfied.
P.S. You simply must read my other RDFC posts or this whole thing won't make any sense at all. Here they are:
#1.
#2
#3
#3.5

I's is smart.

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

I have decided, that for the next couple of days, I am going to improve you intelligence. That is why you are listening to this lovely music. All I want to do by this is have the ability to claim that reading The Reluctant Dragon increases brain activity or something. Everyone knows that listening to Mozart makes you smarter. At least, I think it does.

But don't worry, it shan't be for too long. And by the way, you are furthering scientific research. So if after reading this post, you go out and come up with an entirely new mathematical theory (a correct one!) be sure and credit me.

Alert!

Perhaps my gentle readers would be so kind as to note the new poll in my sidebar, and would grant me the favor of a vote.

Purely out of the simple curiosity of a human soul, I took it upon myself to discover how many votes Pedro Sanchez of the movie "Napoleon Dynamite" has recieved in political elections. It is a difficult undertaking, for as of yet, no individual has compiled the total votes. Needless to say, I don't think I shall be the first. In my findings, there were numerous accounts of Pedro recieving votes in small elections. In one case, the fictional character recieved 35 out of 849. I think that is impressive for not exsisting.

Pedro proves political dynamite (The headline of an online newspaper)

Many wrote "Vote Pedro" on their November 25 ballot papers in a reference to the
2004 cult comedy film Napoleon Dynamite. In the film the main character runs an
elaborate campaign to have his friend, classmate Pedro Sanchez, elected to the
school council.

Concluding my researches, I am sad to say that I cannot present a large impressive number. Perhaps I could, were I willing spend more minutes of my life wondering how many votes...

Honestly, who even cares?



Most Graciously and Humbly,
Ophelia

Bright:

I have posted the following quotes that I might help inspire in you a great respect for humanity:

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad." - Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery.

"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity." - Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

"Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon." - Detroit Daily News

Contest?

I am thinking about holding a Weird is the New Normal picture contest. How insanely awesome would that be, especially because I can't find several of my pictures owing to the recent layout change?

Of course, it's merely an idea, as of yet completely metaphysical. Or would it be figurative? Mental? Ideological?(Am I even spelling that right?) -that can't be right. Ah well.

I infinitely prefer "Ah well" to "Oh well." It is my apprehension that optimists say "Ah", which the sound of rather conveys a note of hang-it-all-and-who-cares-we'll-be-jolly-anyway, whereas "Oh well" seems to drown in woes and remain shrouded in the dark despairs of doom.

But back to the physical, literal, substantial, solid possibilities of a photo contest. How would one go about it? What requirements ought I to inflict upon the gentle readers, presuming I did have a contest? I suppose that somehow I would have contestors post a link to a particular photo bearing the words, "Weird is the New Normal." That is the essential requirement.

So, on my behalf, do post a comment and state your opinion-whether you think this is a good idea.

Mother's Day

My mom trumps your mom.

No time like the present!

'Twas called to my attention this evening, that the date today reads:

5. 7. 9.

That's pretty awesome.

But what effects does it have on you, gentle reader?

Well, in all honesty, none whatsoever except that it gives you a very good excuse to stay up late.

5. 7. 9. 11:13

What do you think?

I seriously need some reader input.

Issue #1: Should I kill off Miss Penelope Winderby? I must admit that I am rather tired of her.

Issue #2: And also, once again, I am considering changing this boring layout, for I am rather tired of it. But the problem is that I am lazy, and changing the layout means that I have to re-enter all my millions of sidebar gadgets. However, since I am such an amicably dispositioned person that even ONE comment advising me to change my layout then I will. Isn't that marvelously sacrificial of me?

Miss Manners

As of late, Bracie and I have been reading Miss Manners, also known as Judith Martin. We came across this brilliant quote:
Dear Miss Manners:
A while ago, a beautiful gal with her mom dropped a doughnut on the floor beside me as I was turning to walk out of a snack shop in a shopping mall. I have been puzzled about the meaning of that-if it was an accident, or if I missed the chance to meet her. How should I respond so that I don't miss the next opportunity like that?
The Response:
Gentle Reader:
If there is a standard flirtation maneuver called the Doughnut Ploy, Miss Manners is blessedly ignorant of it. Frankly, she does not think that was much of an opportunity you missed. A doughnut cannot be scooped up gracefully, like a dropped handkerchief, and presented to the lady with a deep, meaningful look and an ingratiating "Excuse me, but I believe this is yours."