Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Pedantic Pedagoge instructs his Puerile Pupil


"Miss Finston, I am afraid I shall be forced to report your infraction of the No-Gum-in-School policy," said the new teacher, punctuating his nasally voice with wheezes. "And Master Fitzs-Williams, you shall remain after class to discuss your work with me."

The children, excepting the unfortunate Fitz-Williams, rushed out the classroom eager to escape the presence of the exacting Mr. Dagogepe.

"You wanted me?" asked the sturdy lad whose father, possessing an innate sense of humor, named him Fritz Fitzs-Williams.

"I wish to discuss your utter lack of regard for the rules that I have taught and those which I have set for this class. Your complete inattention to the i-before-e-except-after-c rule has led me to mark down your grade! This composition, entitled, "Freind or Feind" is a disgrace. And look here; you wrote "decieved" instead of following the rule which correctly renders the word, "deceived." And you begin the story, "On the 31st day of june" which violates both the 30-days-past-September-April-June-and-November-all-the-rest-have-31-except-for-February-which-has-28-and-on-leap-years-29 rule and the always-capitalize-the-name-of-a-month rule. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Sorry sir, about my spelling and what-not. Father says it comes with time," Fritz mumbled. Then he brightened. "But isn't it a grand story? I think it's just smashing. Surely you can look over a couple blunders."

"There you go again! Disregarding my every word. Was it not just yesterday that I clearly instructed the class only to use the word, "couple" when referring to a group of two. And I specifically pointed out four blunders," interrupted Mr. Dagogepe, with something like a gleam of triumph in his eye.
Fritz, however, was not to be put out. "Well, sir, four mistakes then. Still, I spent an awful long time writing it, and I do think it's good, especially the part where the cowboy pulls out his six-shooter and says-" Fritz paused to give the aforesaid cowboy's words a dramatic entrance.

It was just enough time for his teacher to squeeze in another criticism, "And how many times, how many time a day do I ask you to stay on topic? Heed my words!"

"Okay. But sir, you have really got to remember how long it is. I did four extra pages. That's one to cover every mistake. Think about it, sir, four extra pages!"

"I have thought about them, young man. You didn't obey the guidelines I set out when I gave the class the assignment. I clearly stated the requirement that the composition be 5 pages long. You must not be so careless. And blah blah, there are seven extra commas blah, blah blah blah blah blah"

Fritz looked out the window at the green slope. If he tried hard enough, he could just ignore the teacher, Mr... Mr... Oh forget it. He noted what a wonderful place it would be for a gun fight. That line that the cowboy said in that one part, that was pure genius... Fritz ran the words through his head...

Several minutes later, Fritz's daydreams were broken by an especially loud wheeze.
"So in the future, you must pay more attention to what I say. You are dismissed."
THE END
Alrighty, this post has a challenge attached: see if you can invent a stunning dramatic line for the cowboy to say, "just as the cowboy pulls out his six-shooter."

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